Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Movie in a minute: Jonah Hex

IMDB Rating: 4.6

The Gist: A guy who probably should be dead, but isn't **Spoiler Alert** uses vengeance to fuel his defiance of death and track down the man that killed everything he loved, except for that prostitute he's hooking up with now.  He'll try to kill her too though, so that probably won't lessen his vengeful ways.

My take aways:
1. In the wild west, prostitution is the only real option for a woman that wants a career.
2. If you run into a guy with a reputation for killing a lot people, even if he doesn't look that tough to you, just walk away.
3. When protecting the components of a weapon that is capable of destroying an entire country, maybe use a lock that cannot be broken apart with a small knife.

Biggest Disappointment: This movie was roughly an hour and fifteen minutes long and it wasn't animated.  The story was mostly told with a voice over during the opening credits.  I really don't feel like anyone was trying to make a good movie here.  It's like they said we'll put some stars in it and people will pay.  Sure, Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox and Tom Wopat should be a guaranteed money maker, but please take more than an afternoon to write a decent script.  Spend a whole day on it. Maybe two?

Should you watch it? If you enjoy watching a bunch of actors absolutely sell out for a paycheck, (I'm not convinced anyone even read the script before accepting) I highly recommend it. For everyone else, ask yourself one simple question: Do I respect myself? Act accordingly.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Movie in a minute: 2012

IMDB Rating: 5.9  (That's being very generous, IMDB)

The Gist: Hollywood once again warns us that the world is coming to an end **Spoiler Alert** except that it really isn't since the important people have a plan to save themselves along with some very rich people.

My take aways:
1. Even if you only sell 400 copies, getting your book published will help you get out of trouble when trespassing on a government quarantined area.
2. When your children start calling you by your first name, you know you've screwed something up.
3. The best way to get a large group of people to cheer for you is to create a problem that threatens said group's continued existence, then solve it.  No one will hold you accountable at all.

Biggest Disappointment: At one point, character A instructed character B to "download his blog and read it."  Really? People still aren't getting this? Adding insult to injury, said blog was then navigated to on a nearby computer wherein we were shown... wait for it... a video. I give up.

Should you watch it? If you're looking for a professionally made movie, no.  If you're interested in a middle school project that a couple of C- students whipped up in their spare time utilizing the most basic CGI their machine came preloaded with, then yes, by all means, turn on the subtitles and watch it on 4X.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Movie in a minute: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

IMDB Rating: 6.8

The Gist: The good guy needs to beat the bad guy, **Spoiler Alert** but it's not initially clear who the bad guy is.  At first we think it's the one guy because all the clues point that way, but later we find out it's the other guy.  The other guy turns out to be a real jerk.

My take aways:
1. Don't sweat the big mistakes you make in life, eventually a magical dagger will allow you to reverse time far enough back to correct any major blunders.
2. Some brothers are better than others.
3. When you ask someone to disband a secret army of black magic assassins, do some follow up to make sure they really follow through with your request.

Biggest disappointment: Not a lot of actual Persians in the film. I'm not even sure that they were acting particularly Persian-ish.

Should you watch it? The special effects were ok and I'd say it was decent action.  Probably don't plan your evening around it, but if it's on, give it a shot.

Movie in a minute: She's Out of My League

IMDB Rating: 6.6

This Gist: Attractive girl goes after mildly attractive guy.  **Spoiler Alert** It starts off ok, then the guy screws it up so bad that it looks like it won't work out, honesty solves the problem and they end up together, happy ever after.

My take aways:
1. Premature ejaculation is only funny when it's happening to someone else, and even then, it's a stretch.
2. Attractive people think unattractive people are safe to date because uglies can't hurt pretties emotionally.  Everyone knows that.
3. I have no shame.

Biggest Disappointment:  "She's out of your league" was not a running refrain from any character.  It was implied constantly, but never with those exact words.  Very disappointing.

Should you watch it? Only if you're looking for a good reason to cover your eyes with your hands a lot.  I found it to be that awkward.  Not my kind of thing, but I don't know what you're into.